Level of whimsy: Sticking your tongue out at an inanimate object If Smalljon is Smalljon, and Greatjon is his dad, who is just Jon? I feel like you’re not paying attention. Level of whimsy: Rolling down your car window halfway even though it’s cold out Level of whimsy: Writing “Hi” on the window of a car when it gets foggy Impossible amount of: Consonants, the letter A Level of whimsy: Eating your groceries while you shop What’s going on here? Now I am at the part of the list where all of the names are just normal names tweaked slightly to remind us we are in a universe much like our own … but very, very different … Why? Again, this is more of a Harry Potter Cinematic Universe name that accidentally fell off a truck and got picked up by Game of Thrones. This one’s just weird for no discernible reason: Yeah Level of whimsy: BMX biking without a helmet What’s going on here? At first glance, this name is extremely Game of Thrones–y, but the combination of the lowercase “zo,” “Loraq,” and the prefix “Hiz” suggest a more Seussian sensibility than the show generally promotes. Level of whimsy: Thinking about getting a meatball at Ikea What’s going on here? A classic Game of Thrones trick is to turn a made-up last name into a first name, and then make the last name another last name, scrambling our brains on very low heat until one day, during a hiatus, we regain our equilibrium and realize that we have been watching this show for nearly one decade of our one precious mortal life. Level of whimsy: Letting your dog eat a single pea from the table Sounds kind of: Like my Scottish husband who took half of my last name because he is a feminist Level of whimsy: Turning off your Apple Watch Words it almost is: Man, Rider, Raider, Radar In the name of Lommy Greenhands, let us begin. Please note: I will not be talking about the characters themselves because I have no idea who they are I will only be discussing the names as they fit into my previously described criteria. At first I thought, Hey, I’ll rank all of the characters’ names that sounds fun, but then I realized that I love myself. To celebrate the show’s last six episodes, I’ve decided to rank the 50 most Game of Thrones names on Game of Thrones by just how Game of Thrones–y they are. And they are truly impossible to recall without at least ten hints. Some look like actual, normal names, but spelled by a person who has just tumbled down a hill. They usually sound sort of Scottish or Irish or Welsh or Russian, or at least like somebody is gargling mouthwash while saying them. The names attempt but rarely achieve whimsy, instead landing somewhere between nonsensical dullness and chaos. Vowels and consonants appear either too sparingly, or in confusing abundance. They usually include one random additional letter, if not more. But the best names on Game of Thrones do, in fact, have a few common threads. Martin himself) induce a stroke, and then, whatever comes out of their mouths in the aftermath, they turn into a character name. This is for several reasons: (1) The show is inscrutable from a narrative perspective (2) everyone is a scraggly white man who looks the exact same as every other scraggly white man standing around him, with one or two exceptions (3) everyone’s name is totally insane.įrom a psychic raven’s three-eyed perspective, it might seem like the Game of Thrones writers (or, since most of these names come from the books, George R.R.
However, if you held a scythe to my neck and asked me to explain one single thing about this show’s plot, I would be decapitated in seconds. I even recapped the show for a season, and will be doing so again here at Vulture for its final round.
Like all of you, I have been watching Game of Thrones for a very long time, since I was born.
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